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If you’re reading this, I assume you’ve already heard or read about the benefit of accepting things as they are. And if the good ol’ regular acceptance was not enough, someone may have suggested practicing radical acceptance to you.
The promise is this: If we fully accept life as it is, we are happy.
But before you start to think: “I’m so gonna get rid of all the suffering through radical acceptance,” let me stop you for a second.
I used to think that to get rid of all the icky unwanted emotions and suffering, I had to accept them.
But no matter how hard I tried there was always more stuff I didn’t like, more stuff I didn’t want to accept, more stuff I wanted to let go of.
Eventually, it hit me, there was a secret agenda behind all my acceptance efforts.
I hoped all the bad stuff would go away.
So my acceptance was really a rejection.
I was so busy trying to accept that I missed the deep acceptance of life, already happening, without me having to do anything.
You might be in a similar situation.
Many of us don’t exactly know how to “do” this acceptance thing.
And this is exactly the problem, that we think we have to do something.
Contrary to popular advice, practicing radical acceptance has nothing to do with effort or trying hard to accept something you don’t like.
It’s more a surrender kind of thing. You simply allow life to unfold the way it is unfolding (as if you could do something against it anyway).
Now, how much effort does it take to surrender? How much effort does it take for life to do its thing? How much effort does it take for things to be the way they already are?
What is Radical Acceptance?
“Acceptance is very deep, is infinite: and it starts here, in your own heart. Whatever arises is accepted.” – David Carse
By radical acceptance, I don’t mean the type that falls under dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).
Radical acceptance is not about improving yourself, trying to get away from unwanted emotions, or being a better person. After all, if you try hard to change some unwanted aspects, you’re not really accepting, are you?
Yet, radical acceptance has nothing to do with being weak and allowing everyone to step over you. But still, if you’re in a situation where you feel like others are stepping over you, then you accept that feeling.
Does that mean that you remain in a passive state while you’re being treated badly?
Not at all.
Radical acceptance simply means never ever fighting with reality.
If you think you can’t accept something, then you accept the fact that you can’t accept that something. And if you can’t accept that, then you accept that you can’t accept the fact that you can’t accept that something. And if you can’t accept that, well then…I guess you get the gist.
You can disapprove of a situation and even get away from it but still accept it the way it is. Or if you feel like you’re not being accepting right now, then you simply accept that.
Can you see how simple this is? It might not be easy, but it’s certainly simple.
There is only acceptance of what is at the deepest level possible.
Yet even the acceptance happens only when it happens. If you’re not ready to hear this, you won’t hear it no matter how well it is articulated.
What it Really Means to Practice Radical Acceptance
“Once you stop clinging and let things be, you’ll be free, even of birth and death. You’ll transform everything.” – Bodhidharma
The surrender into complete acceptance is a primary characteristic of awakening and can be found in many of the world’s mystical teachings.
Practicing radical acceptance is an infinitely deep endeavor.
Whatever arises is accepted.
– If resentment arises, there is acceptance that resentment is present.
– If then a layer of judgment arises that resentment shouldn’t be there, there is acceptance that judgment is happening.
– Next, there might be another layer of feeling bad about yourself or unhappiness that you are the ‘kind of person’ in whom resentment arises. Then that too can be included in the infinite acceptance.
– If there is an urge to be more mindful or attentive to the root causes of resentment, then there is acceptance that such a motivation is arising.
As you can see, acceptance never ends, there is always another layer to be accepted, meaning you simply need to accept whatever is in your awareness right now, including the belief that you can’t accept what you think you need to accept.
And you do this by not closing down to any appearances in your awareness. Yet, if you do, you accept the closing down (which is an appearance in your awareness as well).
Relax and surrender to any experience. Even the inability to relax and surrender.
As you do this, the radical acceptance extends outward to events, situations, and other people. Deep acceptance at all levels, even if you don’t like it, even the not-liking itself.
This doesn’t mean that you have to pull up all the cow dung of your past to accept it. Again, you accept what is in your awareness right now.
But if the cow dung of the past arises, well, then you accept that as well.
Here is something to get you into a radical acceptance mood.
Ask yourself the following question:
Would you choose a happy and effortless life but never get the thing you want the most?
The truth is most of us are not ready because we would rather have the world than be integrated with the flow of life, which we, by the way, already are but refuse to see.
This is a case of having your cake but not eating it.
Although many New Age spiritual teachers tell us otherwise, you can’t practice radical acceptance and cling to your attachments. You have to choose, it’s either-or.
What this also means is that practicing radical acceptance is less of a practice and more a way of being. It’s not something you turn off and on whenever it’s convenient.
There is no goal with radical acceptance. You don’t try to regulate your emotions, nor do you try to deal with situations better.
One more time for good measure, you accept what is in your awareness right now, no matter what it is.
Is Radical Acceptance Inappropriate at Times?
“Here is my secret: I don’t mind what happens.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti
Some say that radical acceptance is inappropriate for some situations, such as abuse, when you should face a situation, or when you can change something.
But practicing radical acceptance is quite literally radical.
You don’t get to choose when it’s appropriate or inappropriate because it’s happening all the time.
If you think radical acceptance is inappropriate in a given situation or think you can’t do it, then you simply accept that.
Radical acceptance is not some wishy-washy spiritual concept, but a hardcore facing reality.
There is a common misunderstanding that acceptance equals not doing anything about unwanted situations.
That’s not what it is.
Let’s say, for instance, you’ve lost your job, your house, and all your possessions.
Most would say you can’t just accept that, and I agree that accepting it from the get-go might be difficult for most of us.
Obviously, you don’t want to remain in that situation. But still, you can accept the situation and deal with it accordingly.
Radical acceptance is not choosing what you want or don’t want to accept, it’s accepting the whole messy lot.
You don’t have to like it but it is what it is and trying to eliminate the parts you don’t like will keep you busy indefinitely.
Benefits of Practicing Radical Acceptance
“The greatest learning of the ages lies in accepting life exactly as it comes to us.” –
Before we get into the benefits of practicing radical acceptance, I want to clarify that speaking about benefits is not supposed to coax you into practicing radical acceptance.
This section is only descriptive of what can happen when radical acceptance happens.
Most of us are in a constant fight with the parts of our world we don’t like as if that will make them go away. But you already know that fighting doesn’t make the unwanted go away but provides it with more power.
Even if things go away by fighting them, as it may happen at times, who knows, the next thing to fight is already queued up.
So you need to know that practicing radical acceptance is not about eliminating the things you don’t like but accepting reality as it is.
Although this, again, sounds like I want you to be content with all the crap life offers you, that’s not what I mean at all.
Because interestingly, the more you accept the already manifest, the faster will it change into the thing you want it to change into.
You need to know that control is an illusion and the only way to be in control is to relinquish control.
And what is, already is, so why fight what already is when it is already that what it is?
If there is any way to influence reality, it sure isn’t the molding of already tangible stuff in front of you but the composing of what is potentially manifest.
Yet as long as you resist the already tangible stuff it will usually stay where it is
When you accept the stuff and no longer fight it, you allow life to do its thing, which means allowing it to take its natural course and turn one thing into another thing.
The Perfect Acceptance
What you need to know is that the perfect acceptance of life is already happening right now.
In a sense, you’ve already accepted the present moment, exactly as it is.
Whatever you are has already said yes to all the thoughts, emotions, sensations, and experiences – otherwise, they wouldn’t be appearing in your awareness.
The front door is wide open and everyone has been allowed in.
Finally, perfect acceptance equals an effortless life because you recognize that there is nothing you have to and even can do about reality.
You don’t need to accept anything because acceptance has already happened.
Whatever is, is the way it is and whatever is not, is not, yet it may be eventually, although that’s not your concern.
You move from trust to a knowing that life takes care of itself, on its own, without your volition.
Congratulations! You have found happiness.
△△△
“By being with yourself, the ‘I am’, by watching yourself in your daily life with alert interest, with the intention to understand rather than judge, in full acceptance of whatever may emerge, because it is there, you encourage the deep to come to the surface, and enrich your life and consciousness with its captive energies.”
– Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Luka
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