Most of us approach life upside-down.
We care more about how our life looks on the outside to others than how it feels on the inside to our very own selves.
There are two main reasons for that.
The first is the biggie. Other people are existence confirmation devices to each of us. They act as mirrors and help us maintain the illusion of our separate individual selves.
When other people praise or validate us, our existence is affirmed. When other people reject us, our non-existence is affirmed. And because non-existence (aka death) is what we fear most, we strive for others to validate us.
This might sound confusing but the equation is simple:
Self ↔ Other; No Self ↔ No Other
If there was no Other, there wouldn’t be the concept of a Self. This is reason one.
Reason two is good old-fashioned conditioning. We’ve been taught how a good life is supposed to look like and from the day we enter school, the indoctrination machine makes sure our life develops that socially accepted look.
After the school system is done with us we believe we want a career, a house, a car, a family. We strive to become useful and respectable members of society. How convenient.
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Has it ever occurred to you that maybe all the things you think you care about you don’t care about one bit?
Have you ever asked yourself if the life you’re working so hard to achieve isn’t just the pre-existing template that you and everyone else get served by default?
Many of us sacrifice our enjoyment of life in the attempt of trying to fill the template with exactly the right content.
This is the problem: we focus all our attention on the content instead of the context.
By content, I mean the details of your life. By context, I mean how your life feels to you.
What we all really care about is how our life feels. But we’ve been brainwashed so thoroughly that we believe the way our lives look is what it’s about.
We believe to deserve a life that feels good we have to first create a life that looks good.
We must check all of society’s boxes before we can finally relax and enjoy life. But here is the catch. Checking all boxes doesn’t ensure you’ll feel good.
Many humans are surprised to find themselves in persistent unhappiness despite checking all the boxes. This is a dilemma I would say.
From the beginning, we should’ve paid more attention to how our lives feel instead of how they look.
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But because we crave success and success is usually measured by external status symbols, we spend most of our time chasing those.
If you knowingly with full awareness of all its implications choose the chase then by all means, go ahead. There is nothing evil or wrong in that. If you do it because you’ve never thought about doing anything else, then you might want to stop and take a hard look inside.
If you now think you’re not chasing any of the status symbols, (and pride yourself on it) I suggest you pause and question yourself. This stuff is insidious and easy to overlook.
Also, our measure of success sucks.
There is only one real measure of success: true genuine happiness.
I’m not inventing this. Deep down we all know this is the only measure.
What is your amazing career, your fancy car, your ginormous house worth if you’re depressed?
All of it probably seems like a burden to you.
Now if you’re happy, you’re grateful for every little thing you have. You don’t need much.
But the idea that a happy beggar is better off than a miserable oligarch is a difficult pill to swallow. Saying achievement is not the way to happiness isn’t a crowd-pleaser either.
If you give this some time, you’ll realize that this pill is a lot bigger than expected. You might have to take your time and munch away at it.
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Okay, now that we know we’ve been living our lives upside-down what do we do about it?
The first and most obvious order of business is to reorder your priorities.
If your life feels like a collapsing skyscraper you’re frantically trying to keep together, let it fall. I’m not saying you need to ruin yourself; you’re most likely doing a great job of that already.
I’m saying you need to reclaim some vital energy. And where better to reclaim it than from one of the biggest energy suckers — the illusion of control. Seeing the imaginary reigns vanish also allows you some much-needed rest from all the craziness you’ve been enacting.
A good start is to stop blaming the collapsing skyscraper for your emotional turmoil and turn towards the emotions themselves. The alternative is to endure a lifetime of emotional bullying from events.
Not nice.
Everything you’re trying to accomplish in life is because you think it will make you feel good. All you want is to feel good.
Make that your priority — feeling good — and then do things that are the expression of feeling good.
It’s a complete inversion to how you’ve been doing things around here.
Previously, you did things in the hopes of making yourself feel good (even if doing the things themselves didn’t feel good).
Now, you feel good and do things you want to do when you feel good.
Instead of squandering all your energy on trying to force life to be a specific way, you spend your time enjoying and appreciating this wonderful miraculous moment of existence.
You’re front-loading the journey by claiming the boons right at the beginning.
Another fun bonus to no longer demanding life to be a certain way is that many possibilities open up. Suddenly, life can be all the things you’ve never imagined.
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In case it needs stating, feeling good doesn’t mean suppressing negative emotions. Feeling good isn’t about emotions per se.
It’s more a fundamental well-being that is there even without emotions.
Realize this: This moment is the only moment you’re ever alive. Why would you spend it on anything but enjoying and appreciating it?
This might sound simplistic but if you let it sink in you’ll realize that most of the things that make you feel bad are not worth feeling bad about — traffic, a rude remark, a delayed something. You’ll quickly understand that living a life you don’t enjoy now in the hopes that it leads to a life you’ll enjoy later is perfect foolishness.
Who has said anything about there being a later?
Forget the future. Forget the past as well. Both are pure imagination.
You think I’m being impractical? Not at all.
The only moment you’re alive is this present moment and it’s the only moment you can ever be happy.
Nothing is more practical. This is absolute practicality.
Luka
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I was raised in an interesting home on a prestigious college campus with a professor dad and stay-at-home mom. Along on their journey seeking “it”, I went, with my parents, to countless days at Golden Gate Park seeking enlightenment, to Be Ins, at Esalen (we camped in Big Sur in the trusty VW bus), and EST, among others. I rebelled, then conformed, my way through teen and adult life. I didn’t find “it”. Then my dad introduced me to the philosophy of Eckhart Tolle. I finally understand (though by no means practice) now as a nanosecond, and real joy is… Read more »