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The other day I was minding my own business when, suddenly, the doorbell had the audacity to announce an uninvited visitor.
Upon opening the door, I was greeted by a fairly tall 30-ish-year-old woman and, as she let me know, her mother. The first thing the fairly tall 30-ish-year-old woman asked me is if I’m interested in Bible lessons.
But before I could answer she hit me with another, rather interesting, question, “Have you ever asked yourself if you can be happy forever?” My answer was some kind of nonchalant “not in duality” to which they looked at me puzzled.
After a quick exchange about the dual nature of things, I told them that they’re most definitely at the wrong address and wished them a nice day. To some degree, I admire people who are so convinced of their religious ideology that they’re willing to turn themselves into door-to-door salespeople for it.
Anyway, what kept echoing in my mind was the question, “Can you be happy forever?”
The answer seems obvious when you look at your own experience but expressing it clearly may be full of potential pitfalls. How can you answer such a question without anyone severely misunderstanding you?
You probably can’t but let’s try it anyway.
This is going to be a little longer article, so make yourself a tea, get some popcorn, or whatever.
Happiness is Not Pleasure
Before we answer any question about an elusive topic such as happiness, we need to get on common ground. We need to define happiness in a way that most of us can agree on and that doesn’t seem too whacky.
My first suggestion is that happiness is not pleasure. Although many would agree with this statement, most of us live as if happiness is exactly pleasure.
Arguably we all want to be happy and arguably everything we pursue in life is to be happy. It’s simplified, but simple is the name of the game. So, let’s try to keep this as simple as possible.
Now, the problem is that there is a huge common cognitive dissonance regarding happiness. It goes something like this:
We want to be happy. We think that this thing, person, achievement, etc. will make us happy. We go out and get it. We experience momentary “happiness”. Suddenly, the high subsides and we are no longer happy. It dawns on us that this thing, person, achievement, etc. was not where our happiness was after all. We think we have gone after the wrong thing, person, achievement, etc. So, we now go after another thing, person, achievement, etc. that seems promising in making us happy. And thus goes the cycle.
What we’re involved in is not a seeking for happiness but a seeking for pleasure. Feel free to reflect on this. See how this pattern is appearing in your life. I’m certain that most of us are to some degree inside this cycle.
Does it seem reasonable that pleasure tied to some external event can be long-term? Even if you could remain in a state of perpetual pleasure, would you not get used to it?
For perpetual pleasure to remain it has to increase because the adaptive nature of our organisms would decrease the pleasing sensations of this pleasure.
What this means is that being happy forever cannot be a transient emotional state, and all emotional states are transient.
But the tragicomic thing is that we know from experience that nothing in the world has given us anything close to lasting happiness. And yet, because everyone is doing it and we’ve been taught to do it like everyone, we keep this pleasure chase alive.
We know it doesn’t work but we don’t know anything else, and thus hope that through some miracle it might work.
But here is the thing about hope. Hope is nothing but the cousin of fear. The hope for happiness comes from the fear of never being happy. So, hope is not your friend in your endeavor for happiness. Hope is standing in the way to happiness and needs to be discarded.
What is Happiness?
Now that we have determined what happiness not is — pleasure or any emotional state — let’s try to determine what happiness is.
First of all, we all have experienced happiness. And although things, people, achievements, etc. do not lead to lasting happiness, they offer a clue to what happiness is.
When you fulfill a desire and are for a moment desireless, you are happy. Everything is a-okay right now, there’s nothing wrong with what is and thus you’re happy.
The problem is that we usually do not see what is; we see a conceptualization of what is. But seeing what is is not difficult. You can do it right now. Instead of thinking about your experience, look at/be with your experience.
Here is a short little demonstration:
Thoughts, emotions, and feelings arise. That’s layer 1. Layer 1 doesn’t have to mean anything beyond that it is present. Meaning-making and interpretation of thoughts, emotions, and feelings is layer 2, arising just as layer 1. Layer 2 also doesn’t have to mean anything beyond that it is present. Layer 2 is not more knowing than layer 1. In fact, there are no two layers; it’s just helpful for understanding the mental game. But what’s usually happening is that we start to listen to layer 2, which is more harsh and judgmental, and identify with what it’s saying. This is the moment where we get convinced that all kinds of things are all kinds of wrong with what is.
But when you see that all this is going on without your involvement, you don’t have a reason to project any meaning onto it. That’s when you no longer identify with mental content. You can allow it to pass by like clouds.
Think back to those fleeting moments when you, for instance, were sitting in nature and nothing special was happening. There might’ve been a variety of thoughts and emotions, but, still, all was extremely well.
That’s it. Unconditional happiness. A kind of underlying well-being regardless of what’s happening. That’s what happy forever is.
So, in the spirit of keeping it simple here is my definition of happiness: Being in touch with and full acceptance of what is.
I already hear you protest, “But what if when you are in severe pain and suffering?”
Of course, you won’t be stoked about it, but that’s exactly the point. Happiness is not an emotional high you have to maintain. Even in pain and suffering, there can be an underlying all-is-well-ness.
Acceptance doesn’t mean not doing anything about the pain you’re in or allowing others to walk all over you. It’s the profoundly simple realization that whatever is right now already is. And if you’re having a headache and take some aspirin, that’s also whatever is right now.
So, this has nothing to do with transcending pain, but everything to do with getting in touch with what is beyond all conceptualizations.
Keeping Yourself From Being Happy
Now if this whole happiness business is so simple, as I claim, why do we struggle so much with attaining happiness?
The short version is that we don’t know where to look. In fact, everyone around us teaches us to look in all the wrong directions.
This misdirected searching, including the thorough mental and emotional conditioning we go through in our lives, builds a kind of non-existent but seeming barrier between us and happiness.
Most of us semi-consciously and -actively keep ourselves from any amount of lasting happiness. We grow up with the belief that happiness is something to be earned, found, or gained. Striving for happiness in the world is doomed to be a long and unsuccessful venture.
Then there are people who say that you can’t aim at happiness. It needs to ensue from living a fulfilled life — following your heart, excitement, bliss, etc.
This is somewhat backward, though not completely wrong.
The wrong part, as we’ve already stated ad nauseam, is tying happiness to some activity, goal, or lifestyle. No matter how fulfilling and true to you it might be, you’ll potentially be left in the rain.
Now the backward part is the happiness-ensues-a-fulfilling-life bit. It’s the other way around.
You are happy and then you do everything that’s fulfilling for you from happiness. Otherwise, you’ll fall into the trap of trying to attain happiness by doing things that hopefully fulfill you, but may not because you’re doing them only for gain.
The World is Not Made For Happiness
When we’re growing up the world around us inevitably programs us. We learn the ways of the world but the world is not designed for lasting happiness.
Besides, we don’t really know what forever means. Nothing in this world is forever, so for happiness to last forever it cannot be of this world.
As is pretty obvious, the apparent world consists of polarities/dualities. Cold implies hot, low implies high, sadness implies happiness.
When you are fully engaged in the story of the world, there is no happy forever because you see yourself as part of the story, which is written to go up and down. Imagine a story where there is only happiness from beginning to end. Would be a pretty lame story if you ask me.
Wanting to be happy forever and identifying yourself with the story are mutually exclusive. You have to be in the world but not of it (as Jesus presumably said).
You might be able to escape the harsh contrast of the world by becoming a mountain hermit, so everything is peaceful all the time. And then you might even assume you have reached some kind of enlightenment.
But as soon as you come down from your protective mountain back into the world, you might realize that no amount of mountain time will immunize you to the craziness of the world.
How to Be Happy Forever
This might come as a surprise but seeking happiness is the antithesis of happiness. And yet, seeking happiness will inevitably happen at some point. So, seeking to some degree is necessary but needs to be discarded eventually.
This seeking and non-seeking expresses itself in a dual way as well. You seek until the seeking energy is exhausted and then you fully release and relax.
Here is a short thought experiment to determine whether you truly want to be happy or want to be happy with something else:
Imagine your happiness is assured right now but you’ll never get the thing you think you need to be happy. You’ll never get the house, lover, car, or whatever you think you need for happiness, but you’ll be happy. How does that make you feel?
Most of us probably don’t like the idea at first. But on second thought, there might be a thing you realize.
This is not a mere thought experiment. This is a choice you can make right now. Happiness is ready whenever you are.
The only question is are you willing to let go of the attachment to the world that’s keeping you from it?
And in any case, as we’ve determined earlier, the story doesn’t need to be rewritten. But recognizing that you’re living inside a story that’s running in your mind is a good first step.
More and more you become the observer. You no longer try to change reality by force but allow it to change through wakefulness. You begin to realize that emotional attachments tie you to the story.
If happiness is your strongest desire, then you’ll be willing to cut any emotional attachment blocking your way. This, by the way, doesn’t mean that you’ll be an emotionless robot. It means that you’ll no longer be a victim of emotions.
When you cut the ties, you’ll notice how you can actually enjoy the story a lot more because you allow it to unfold without resisting it.
You feel emotions fully without demanding that they’ll be anything else. You enjoy experiences, things, and people on a non-clinging basis. And you notice how anxiety starts disappearing.
But even if it arises as part of the story, you no longer feel like there’s anything wrong with it. The sense of seriousness vanishes.
Many will argue that you can’t be happy without the basic amenities and there’s no doubt that it makes your life more comfortable on many levels. But again, the happiness we’re talking about here is not tied to anything, not even basic amenities.
And you don’t have to search for long to find people living in poverty way happier than people with all the basic amenities covered. Obviously, it’s not desirable to live in poverty. You can be happy in poverty and in wealth.
But if you’ve ever met a wealthy yet severely depressed individual you know that such an individual is willing to get rid of everything to be happy.
This whole being happy forever business is actually not as complex as we make it to be.
You surgically remove everything between you and happiness. And you know what? In actuality, there’s nothing between you and happiness, though it certainly seems so.
So, you can either destroy each imagined obstacle or see through it all in one fell swoop (with a little grace and a few fingers crossed). Either way, the result is the same. Being able to freely engage and disengage with the story.
The Art of Being Happy Forever
As we have determined, being happy forever is not necessarily about emotions. You can experience “negative” emotions such as apathy, shame, or anger, and still, be happy. It’s a background all-is-well-ness.
But it is nonetheless always available if we look in the right direction — inside, not outside.
And although happiness is not about never having “negative” emotions again, you’ll most likely experience more positive happy emotions because you no longer cling to the negative stuff. You allow everything to pass through as swiftly as it can and thus the high/low frequency gets shorter.
But the whole frequency gets raised as well so that lows don’t go as low anymore and highs go even higher. But of course, life is not a Sine wave. So, there can be occasional lower dips or higher rises.
Many of us spend a lot of time reading about inner work and transformation and it can seem like we’re making progress. But no matter how much description you read, you must take the journey yourself.
But when you do take the journey, you’ll see that hitting the road is different from studying the road in a book. No worries though, the road will always be available whenever you are ready.
And then, eventually, hopefully, there will be another realization. You can be happy on the journey as well. The unfolding of the journey will never end, but the seeking for something can stop and when it stops, happiness slaps you in the face.
Being happy forever is, simply put, your birthright. Think about it. You are here anyway, so you might as well enjoy here to the best of your abilities.
Even if you’re not serious about dismantling falsehood, you can live a happy life just by ceasing the fight against reality.
All reasonably happy people are to some degree living a life of acceptance. You don’t need to get bogged down by everything. You don’t need to make a bad situation worse by doing all kinds of mental gymnastics upon it.
When you allow life to unfold the way it is unfolding without interfering too much, you’re well on your way to being happy forever.
Luka
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