“Quietly yearning for what you don’t have while dreading losing what you do. For 99.9% of your race that is the definition of reality. Desire and fear baby.” — The Analyst, Matrix Resurrections (Yes, I’m quoting the Matrix movie no one apparently liked.)
What do I really want?
And
What am I afraid of?
Are the questions that open the path to deeper understanding. They are destroyers of befuddlement.
It’s not enough to dilly-dally a bit with these questions. The trick is to probe deeply.
Many things we think we want we do not want at all. We want the glamour they usually bring.
But when we obtain those glamorous achievements, we realize we don’t give a hoot about the glamour. The glamour quickly looks like a dumpster decorated with glitter.
Asking what you really want should be an act of radical sincerity as free from conditioned reflexes as possible. Otherwise the question is not sharp enough to cut through purely egoic desire. “Really” is the qualifier that filters everything you think you want.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t want glamorous things or that it’s not okay to want what you want. I’m saying getting clear on what you truly want shaves away years of misguided seeking and chasing.
Also, it’s enjoyable not to be suffocated by 1001 desires.
The question “What do I want?” has two components: what you want and what you don’t want.
It’s as useful to identify what you want and move towards it as it is to identify what you don’t want and release it. When you have identified what you want and don’t want you can look at your thoughts, emotions, and actions.
Do they align with your discovery? Or are you moving in completely different ways?
Sometimes we think we’re moving towards what we want while we’re moving towards what we don’t want. This is because we keep our focus on the don’t-want part instead of the do-want part.
—
Many things that aren’t working out in our lives result from a lack of awareness.
Many of us, for example, unknowingly walk around with equally strong contradicting or conflicting desires.
We say we want something and don’t understand why we are not getting it. But then, one day, we realize that to get that something we’d have to do something we are opposed to and never do.
For instance:
You want to be healthy and have a muscular physique but you also hate lifting weights and want to eat junk and mold on the couch.
Here the question “What do I really want?” is handy again.
I’m not saying you should relinquish eating junk and molding, and instead start lifting weights. I’m saying uncover what you want. Perhaps it has nothing to do with looking jacked or not and that was just something you bought into for the glamour.
Let me warn you. The rabbit hole goes deep and it can take awhile until you come upon something that is not a vanity-fueled odyssey.
In some way, however, it’s not even about figuring out what you want so you can get it. It’s about seeing what is driving you. When you see what has been driving you, you might realize you don’t want to be driven by that.
Perhaps it dawns on you that what you want is to be free from the “drive.” In other words, you want to live a life free from the compulsion of justifying your existence. Acknowledged or unacknowledged, that’s what we all want and the recognition of that in your own experience is the “call to awaken.”
In the meantime, while you dig around the burrow, you will encounter fear. Sometimes quite unexpectedly.
—
You find what you want and are willing to go after it, but suddenly something grips you. Could it be that you’re afraid of achieving what you want?
Yes, it could be.
If something is far out, naturally, you’ll be afraid. Being successful in the traditional sense always harbors the risk of setting your self-image up for a beating. The options you have here in dealing with the fear are
a) giving up so you can avoid the fear of failure
b) ignoring the fear and just pushing through
c) looking into the fear to understand it
I’m all for option c) but your life is your choice. Sooner or later c) becomes the only option anyway, so it’s a non-issue. You can’t avoid c); you can only procrastinate around it.
If your true goal is something that you, so far, only intuit but do not know by experience (e.g. happiness, peace, truth, etc.) then fear is the indicator that something needs to be surrendered. In that case, you have to choose c).
At some point in your spiritual journey, fear can become existential because it can feel like your life is at stake (though it’s only your life story that is at stake). This is where you encounter the root fear — fear of death or non-existence.
Someone might want to wake up to their true nature but simultaneously be afraid of losing their precious identity. Being aware of that fear is vital.
Now what do you do about the fear?
You’ve already done it. You shone the light on it. You’re aware of it. You stopped running from it.
The point of those questions is not to change yourself. The point is to drag all these hidden parts into the sunlight of your awareness. When awareness becomes the main point necessary changes happen automatically.
Continual awareness of your experience releases tensions, resistance, and obstructions. This steadily moves you into a more fulfilling life experience.
The final goal is to completely cease resistance in the face of life aka the end of suffering.
“What do I really want?” and “What am I afraid of?” are existential wrecking balls, in a good sense. They are desire and fear turned into questions for focused inquiry.
You can employ them in every area of your life and they will lead you to more clarity and self-awareness, that is, if you’re honest with yourself.
Perhaps I should’ve said that in the beginning. Without honesty, no amount of inquiry makes a difference.
Use these questions with sincerity and you’ll discover fascinating things about yourself.
Luka
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