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“Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.” – Dave Barry
We are truly ambivalent creatures. On one side, we spend a greater portion of our time worrying about what others think of us. On the other side, we feel like no one cares about us.
Endless ruminations about what we could’ve said, whether we did the right thing, whether someone likes us, whether others care or think we are an ass.
Most of us are insecure in some way or another because we fear rejection from others. We think we are not smart, handsome, charismatic, wealthy, funny, and good enough. And we assume others see our apparent flaws and judge them as ruthlessly as we do ourselves.
All this is built upon a faulty assumption, the assumption that others care about you at all.
But here is the truth.
No one cares about you…
…And this is good news.
This means you don’t have to worry about what others think of you because they have something way more important on their minds—themselves.
Why Nobody Cares: We’re All Selfish
“Why are you unhappy?
Because 99.9 percent of everything you think, and of everything you do, is for yourself—and there isn’t one.” –
The fact is virtually all of us are preoccupied with ourselves 99.9% of the time.
If you doubt this, simply look at your own experience.
How much time are you spending thinking about how awkward your co-worker was in your last conversation with him, in comparison to thinking about how awkward you were in that said conversation? And your co-worker is probably thinking about how awkward he was.
Everyone else is too busy thinking about themselves to give a hoot about your apparently awkward behavior at lunch.
The problem is that we have subscribed to the idea of being separate individuals to such a degree that we assume others have nothing better to do than analyze our flaws, shortcomings, mistakes, and inadequacies.
No one but you cares about your flaws. In fact, you’re the only one who sees your flaws anyway. Ok, granted, perhaps that one annoying co-worker is the exception.
Anyway, if you want to keep believing that you’re flawed, you’re free to do so, but at least give yourself the freedom to assume that no one else is obsessed with the idea that you are flawed.
We are all selfish by nature. Even the selfless acts are selfishness masquerading as selflessness. You only need to take an honest look to see this.
When you’re doing something for someone else, are you not doing it for the positive feeling it provides you with?
Doesn’t seem selfless to me. But you know what? There’s nothing wrong with selfishness.
If you feel good helping someone and they feel good being helped, that’s a win-win. Seems like a pretty good deal.
I’m an ass, you’re an ass, so what’s the problem?
And if you want to care about others and do good for them, keep doing that but be aware to not get on the slippery road of do-goodery and moral superiority. Thinking you’re better than others because you do more for them than they do for you is shadier than doing nothing for others at all.
If caring about others comes naturally to you, then do it. If it doesn’t, there’s no need to force yourself. You can’t avoid people and relationships, so at some point or another, you’ll help someone anyway.
The Only Reason Why You Care
“In many ways we were drugged when we were young. We were brought up to need people. For what? For acceptance, approval, appreciation, applause.” – Anthony de Mello
There is only one reason why you worry about what others think of you and whether they care about you or not.
This one reason is the desire for approval aka fear of rejection.
Approval is one helluva drug and we’re all addicts. We’re addicts because we’ve been served this drug unknowingly since childhood. We’ve been programmed to crave approval.
Parents praise us, endorphins spike, we get a high, and there we go.
We want more of that, so we seek out getting more. We start jumping through hoops to get it. And our efforts are always accompanied by the fear that we not only do not get it but that we get the opposite.
As you can see, this is a representation of worrying about what others think, and at the same time fearing that no one cares.
When we don’t get the approval we so desperately need, we have withdrawal symptoms. These withdrawal symptoms come in the form of craving and other negative emotions. Add a good dose of rejection to the withdrawal and it’s like adding a beating to the already suffering organism.
How to Stop Caring
“If we can really understand the problem, the answer will come out of it, because the answer is not separate from the problem.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti
There is only one way out and this one way out is severing the ties to the drug. We have to weather the withdrawal and understand how approval is nothing but a rollercoaster of ego-stroking and emotional pain.
Instead of seeking out approval from people who don’t care about you, dispassionately observe your desire for approval without trying to do anything about it. This is one powerful thing to do and the only way to sobriety.
Pay attention to your thoughts and you’ll see how much of your thoughts are revolving around getting approval. It might be quite a shock when you see this.
Know that you don’t need to act on the impulse of fishing for approval. And in any case, others can feel when you’re thirsty for their approval. So, whatever approval you’ll get won’t be real approval.
Assume that no one cares about you, not because it must be so, but to liberate yourself from this attachment for approval and caring what others think of you.
When you’ve severed this attachment, you’ll have a taste of freedom. This freedom is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before. Imagine what it’s like to no longer care about what others think and no longer do things just to be liked.
This will result in authenticity because you’ll no longer do anything only to please others. This means you’ll no longer have a need for the drug called approval.
You’ll no longer put your life into a box that others have created. Then you’ll finally start living life on your own terms.
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“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.” – Nisargadatta Maharj
Luka
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No comments? Wth? Gladly, this was inspirational, this isnt approval, your’e on the right track!
Thank you for your kind words!
I enjoyed the article. Great way to live life. I’m glad I found you and your way showing us that life can be lived differently. The pictures are awesome.
I’m glad you enjoyed it Jana, and I appreciate your kind words!
Good article. I just hope I can eventually get to the point of accepting that nobody cares about me while also still being a good caring person who has their act together. Because worrying about others approval whilst also not having your life together is a very dark place to be