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Are you disappointed when people don’t act the way you want them to? Or are you scared that you’ll fail at this particular thing that’s super important to you?
Some people would probably tell you that you should lower your expectations or better yet, completely ditch them.
While this seems like sensible advice there is a trap here that few people address. In fact, I would like to challenge the belief that not having expectations is the way to go.
Some people say that expectations create fear. Meaning that when you have expectations you are anxious that they won’t be fulfilled. But is that really how it goes?
What if the egg in this dilemma is not the expectation but the fear?
Before we answer this question let us first investigate what it means to have no expectations.
What Does it Mean to Have No Expectations?
In the most direct way not having expectations means not expecting any specific outcome in a situation. But what it really means is to not be attached to any outcome.
The desire behind this is to be free from letdowns and disappointments and hence to have more emotional freedom.
Although you can practice non-attachment, true non-attachment is a side-effect of waking up to your true nature. After seeing what you are not, the emotional tendrils that color and influence your whole experience, start retreating/dissolving/disappearing.
You’ll realize that freedom of expectation comes with having no strong emotions about the situation. If strong emotions are present, you equally do not hold on to them. It’s the clinging, grasping, and resisting that disappears.
There are a few things you may experience when you have no expectations:
• You take responsibility for your life and your decisions
• You become aware of what you want to do instead of what you should do
• You are free of negative emotions about the subject
• You live in the present moment
Is it Possible to Have No Expectations?
You have probably been in a situation where someone told you to not have any expectations. And perhaps you were the one telling someone else to not have any.
But telling someone to not have expectations is like telling someone to not think about a pink elephant. While you may be able to stop your conscious expectation machine, expectations are constantly formulated in your unconscious mind.
Neuroscience confirms this by demonstrating that our unconscious functioning precedes conscious awareness by at least half a second.
The real question that comes up is, what is the cause for expectations? And can we alter or let go of that cause so expectations don’t form?
The answer to this lies in our emotions.
If you have no strong emotional connection to an event it seems that you have no expectations.
For instance, if you have no interest in sports whatsoever you probably don’t have expectations about who’s going to win that football match, or who’s going to win this bicycle race.
On the other hand, if there is a situation that is important to you and maybe even influences the trajectory of your life see if you can stop yourself from having expectations.
Well, you might say you can have no expectations.
But I would argue that this is just your conscious level. Your unconscious mind has most definitely already created an expectation before you even had the chance to decide to have no expectations.
And you can easily confirm this for yourself the next time you are in an important situation where you believe you have no expectations.
Observe your inner experience when the outcome arrives. And what if the outcome is not conducive to the goal you want to achieve?
How do you feel? If you experience negative emotions you can be sure you had expectations.
If not, congratulations you really are free of expectations. At least on that subject matter.
To answer the question, yes, you can be free of expectations but, as stated earlier, it’s not something you can force. Having no expectations comes with a deepening of the realization that what you are is not what you think you are.
By realizing that you are not in control and that life always unfolds perfectly without error, the fear-based grasping for security and predictability disappears.
And if you still have expectations at that point, they won’t be a problem because of two things:
• You won’t be attached to the outcome
• You’ll have no fear of disappointment
I want to emphasize here that there is no reason to feel bad about having expectations. This is worth reiterating: Nothing that you experience is wrong and needs to be condemned. Accepting your experience is an essential key to inner freedom.
The Truth About Wanting to Have No Expectations
You see the reason why you want to be free of expectations is fear. The fear of disappointment.
If you had no fear of disappointments then you could swiftly let the situation go when it didn’t play out to your liking.
The common saying “don’t have any expectations” can be a spiritual trap many people bite their teeth off. Because let’s be honest we all have expectations all the time and denying it would just be a way of bypassing our natural human tendencies.
A better approach is to be mindful of our expectations. Because, in contrast to trying not to have any expectations, being mindful of them seems much more approachable.
When we are mindful of our expectations, we are also aware of the emotions they evoke. For instance, if our expectations evoke fear, we can work with that fear.
And here lies the trick: Instead of forcefully trying to not have expectations we acknowledge the underlying fear.
Most of the things we have expectations about are associated with increasing approval, control, and security and the fear of losing/not having those.
Fear is the seed “negative” emotion from which all other negative emotions (and even some positive ones) stem. The root fear is always the fear of death or non-existence.
Fear cannot be outrun. Fear needs to be surrendered to.
Many of us struggle with fear because we usually don’t get to the root of it. We endlessly prune the branches. As long as the root is intact new branches will be spawned.
When you surrender to fear you won’t need to stop having expectations because there will be nothing around your expectations that is uncomfortable to you.
Read more on fear here: Fear Is Your Best Spiritual Friend
Expect Everything
Many people would like to rid themselves of expectations not only because of fear but also because they believe they can’t have what they want. But perhaps this is where another problem lies.
We’ve been conditioned to doubt our own capabilities. We’ve also been conditioned to a very limited outlook of what’s possible.
And for every doubt you have about yourself, there are thousands of people out there who prove that what you think is impossible is possible. We are more capable and powerful than we are led to believe and it’s well in our right to envision and create a life that we desire.
Don’t be scared to have expectations. Most of the desires that don’t fulfill themselves weren’t that important to you anyway.
The majority of the work in uncovering your true life is chipping away at the false — ridding yourself of all the programming and external expectations of what you should be, do, and have.
Don’t buy into the smallness society has programmed into you. When you have the highest opinion about yourself you’ll realize that having a desire has the potential of its fulfillment inherent. Desires are simply part of life’s movement.
That doesn’t mean we need to try to control them or get out of our way to fulfill all our egoic desires. See your desires, welcome them, let the energy move as it wants to, and then see what happens.
When you develop this light touch towards your experience, you might be surprised to see what happens.
Eventually, you’ll reach a point where you automatically, without any effort or doing, let things go. When something doesn’t work out the way you expected it, you won’t be bothered one bit.
Because when something didn’t work out instead of feeling bad about it you’ll know that things are working out just fine.
Luka
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Hi Luka, Interesting ideas presented here. I solidly follow the logic of the premise–that having no expectations about situations that are of importance is setting yourself up for failure. I also agree that fear is the root of wishing to abandon expectation in a given situation and that being mindful of one’s relationship to an expected outcome is so important. However, you lose me with regard to how’s of letting go of said fear. Letting go of one’s fear is often a complex task and one that requires practice, skill, and deftness, so I implore you to flesh out these… Read more »
Hi Mark, thanks for your comment. I fully agree with you. I wrote this article some years ago and my views about some things I have said here have definitely changed. Perhaps I will rewrite this piece at some point.
The key is not to let go of fear but through meditation to create distance between your self and the thoughts and emotions by just noticing them like clouds in the sky. This changes your relationship to fear. Then I would also say to reframe the event and find the upsides to the undesirable outcome. If you are someone who is focused on self actualization and reaching your potential, then you will find this as an opportunity to practice virtue. Amor fati, become a lover of fate. There’s no good or bad but it’s your thinking that makes it so.
I agree with everything you said Mark. I would also like to add that “Don’t be scared to have expectations. Most of the desires that don’t fulfill themselves weren’t that important to you anyway.” This statement is not true. Many people have desires that don’t fulfill themselves but, are still important to them. E.g. Someone desiring a degree but, can’t pass school/college. Wanting a career in a particular field and never having a chance to go down that path. Being unable to have children but, still desiring a biological child of your own. The list goes on. Even if you… Read more »